I was broken and bruised by my own sin. I was so ashamed of myself that I felt like I could not breathe … and I would not talk to anyone who knew ”what I did”. I was hiding … not so much from God, but from anyone who had any connection with church.
I was living in a one bedroom apartment. Kept the lights turned off. I sat in my “special” chair (the only furniture that I had) and stared the same blank stare that most hopeless people stare. I would not eat … could not sleep.
I did not answer the phone or the door …
Until she knocked. A sister in Jesus. I had helped her walk back home to the Lord and was there when her husband was born again. She knocked. I did not answer. She continued to knock. I did not answer. She began to cry – I could hear her through the door. “Please, Rex … let me in.”
I did.
As she moved toward me – to hug me. I stepped back. I ducked my head … began to cry … and kept backing away from her. She stopped me … put her hand under my chin - lifted my face … and asked, “Rex, are you okay?”
How do I describe to you what happened? It was like my heart exploded in relief. Someone cared. She cared. She was not there to remind me of my sin – to add to my shame – to make sure that I knew that I deserved to be stoned to death. She wanted to know if I was okay.
Of all of the good things – comforting things that were said to me by people who loved me – even then – I do not believe that there were any more powerful healing words than, “Are you okay?”.
So … today, let me ask you – what I would ask you – if I could lift your face and look into your eyes: Are you okay? You can tell me. (If you need for your reply to be anonymous to those who are reading - okay – just change the name on your post.) And I really do want to know. I make no claim that I will understand … no claim that I can do anything to make it better … but I will care for you.
I want you to know the relief that I received that day, when Lee cared for me.
And I want to be the friend to you … that Lee was to me. (Thank you, Lee.)
Everytime I hear this story – I always think of Matthew 26:6-13 where Jesus was anointed in Bethany. Judas was upset – there were religious leaders who were making plans – more than likely already had plans with Judas to crucify Jesus…his friends are arguing about who is the greatest – and He is preparing to share a final meal – and take the lonely road (deserted) to the cross.
What Jesus says about the woman in all of this – is what sticks out the most…”She has done a beautiful thing to me…I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.”
What Lee did – was very much like Jesus…and what she has done will be told over and over again – all around the world. I am thankful for Lee…thankful that she stepped out of her comfort zone enough to go after you – even when you just wanted to hide. I am thankful for her heart – for her “pushing”…and for her concern.
May God use this story to remind us – that doing things like Jesus is a beautiful thing…May God help me to be more like Lee as she was so like Jesus.
When times are tough – I am thankful that I can write or call…and I have someone on the other end that cares…thankful that I have good folks – such as Sherry who takes care of me – while I am here…she makes sure I am okay – and for that I am thankful.
I am thankful for that little church in Lubbock that has continually provided me rest, comfort, courage and strength to keep pressing on…were it not for them…and you…I fear that I would have been finished.
By: Dennis Wilson on October 21, 2008
at 7:09 pm
I want to be more like Lee. I think of how many times I let opportunites pass me by, when I could have been a comfort to someone.
I have told myself, they want to be left alone, so I left them alone.
I have thought, what will I say to them, so I said nothing.
I do not have the time, so I did not take/make the time.
I have come with all these excuses and more, and lost an opportunity to comfort someone in thier time of need.
With a little persistence on Lee’s part, and not worrying about what she would say to him, she did exactly wihat Rex needed. And that was to let him know that someone cared.
3 simple words was all it took, Are you OK ?
God Bless Lee, as we all learn from her example.
By: Celia on October 21, 2008
at 11:45 pm
The very thought of you (or anyone else I care about) lifting my chin to see my face and asking “Are you okay?” makes me cry. I think that if just thinking of it makes me cry then I really must not be okay.
A few months ago you could have asked me that and I would have said “no…I’m not okay”, if I could find it in my heart to be honest about it, and I would have said it without a tear in my eye. I wasn’t okay…I was far from it. People and circumstances in my life took away my ability to feel anything. Memories of childhood atrocities were fading away and my daily life of torturous times was commonplace for me. I’d pushed away friends, ignored the person within me, believed I was bad…stupid…ugly, figured God felt the same way about me….I forgot how to speak, how to listen and how to cry. I basically didn’t even feel human anymore.
So…if you asked me today “are you okay?” I would say “I’m better than I was, but no…I’m not okay”.
I can happily announce that most of those old problems I had “being me” are just a painful memory. But I’ve traded them for other problems that make me “not okay”. I live with abuse everyday, just like always, but now I feel it…I know what it does to me, I know what it does to my kids…I can no longer ignore it…I can no longer turn off the pain it gives me. Even when I want to hide from the truth, the truth always finds me now. While people I didn’t really know began to stand up for me and help me fight, others that I thought I knew disappoint me daily now. I see problems in my family beyond the obvious ones…problems with my children that may or may not be reversible. Memories of things long ago creep up on me and unpleasantly surprise me. Instead of relying only on myself, I cannot breathe at times without the support of those that I know are for me. Those tears that I had been unable to cry for so long come up in unexpected ways like a breached dam. And my relationship to God is still a cloudy subject for me…I still don’t know sometimes why He’d want ME. But I fight on, trying to figure that out.
So in my mind, I look at you now, with tears pooling around my eyes and say “no, I’m not okay, but knowing that you care about how I am makes me continue to get better”. Thank you Rex, for what you’ve done and continue to do for me.
I’m thankful for your friend Lee…for what she did for you. I understand now what its like to be on the receiving end of that kind of love from a friend.
By: Email Girl on October 22, 2008
at 12:52 am
I am okay….but I am glad you care enough to ask and enough to remind us all that we are our brother’s and our sister’s keeper…and sometimes we may be the life-line they need. I need this reminder.
By: Donna on October 22, 2008
at 10:43 am
Hum? Like a previous response, if you had of asked me that question months ago, my answer would have been “No, I’m not okay”. Found guilty of sin, suffering from DEEP depression because I didn’t want to change, no, I was not okay. I read the book of Lamentations – wow what a wake up call. The writer definitely read my mind and felt my own depression, but . . . the book is full of buts . . . The Lord is faithful and He wanted me back.
One of my favorite movies has the line “If you are marching, stop marching. if you are fighting, stop fighting. Come back to me, come back to me is my request”. I thought of my Savior – speaking ever so softly “come back to me – I’ll heal you”. And I did, and He did.
So by the Grace of God, YES I’M OKAY!
His grace is sufficient for me today.
By: A Girl on October 22, 2008
at 11:07 am
I think one of the great things about the Lord’s church is the way people take care of each other. What Lee did for you enabled you to do the same for others.
When we have been in a situation where we are not ok, and God provides his healing through the love of a friend, it is our responsibility to be that for someone else. I am reminded of this so much at the open. I can think of numerous examples of people who have been deeply wounded, who have turned around and provided healing for someone else. Just a few of those people include Sherry, Paige, Barry (even though he’s not with us he is still part of us), Ruby, and you! I am so grateful for the example of these people, and so many others I get the priviledge of calling my family!
By: Sarah on October 22, 2008
at 1:52 pm
First off, thank you Lee. I wish I could meet you and tell you face to face what it means for me that you did what you did for Rex. Thank you!!!
There have been many nights that I have sat in the dark … usually on the floor … curled up into the tightest ball that I can make myself into.
Glad that no one is coming to the door or calling, because I just want to be alone with my thoughts. Usually, and I recognize this, they are of the “poor me” variety. I can sink into self-pity so quickly I don’t even catch it.
My heart has been damaged, by my own sin and the sins of others. Most of it I have to take responsibility for. In taking this responsibility, I also seem to take on loads of guilt. Even though I know that I have been forgiven … am assured of that. I will still block that thought out when I’m feeling down. I will manufacture my own misery … sometimes feeling like if God won’t punish me then I’ll punish myself.
In the midst of my crying … I hear a knock.
I don’t answer … I want to be alone.
I hear another knock. I look around to make sure they can’t see me or tell that I’m home. I sit still like a statue so they won’t hear.
The knocking persists … I can feel my heart beating in my chest … I finally realize that the knocking will not stop … He cannot stop. He promised not to. He promised to seek me when I’m lost, to hold me when I hurt … to keep me safe until I’m okay again.
Revelation 3:20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.
Thank you Lord for making sure I’m okay even when I won’t let anyone else in.
By: cemotosnack on October 23, 2008
at 11:28 am
I’m really not so ok right now. Thank you for asking and for caring.
By: tearsinabottle on October 24, 2008
at 6:47 pm
I thank God for Lee and what she did for you. I cannot begin to put into words the gratitude that I have for her.
You asked me that question once and the course of my life changed. Thank you Rex for asking me and for caring and for seeing me through until I was more “OK” than I thought I could ever be. (And thank you for continuing to check on me and my heart.)
I have my days where I am not very ok. The shame and guilt from my past start to wear me down. It is far too easy to slip back into that self-pity place on those days. But with the healing, with the assurance of God’s love, with the assurance of my friends’ love, I can manage to pull out of that bad place. Well…sometimes I have to BE pulled out of that place (thanks).
And…by the way Dennis…thank you. I’m glad that the little bit that I do gives you some peace of mind. It seems very little in light of the fact that you and yours were so instrumental in saving my life.
By: sherryfisher on October 24, 2008
at 9:29 pm
This is a great story, and I’m glad I read it. It is hard sometimes to genuinely care for someone, rather than casting stones at them first. But I pray that this story will help remind me that Jesus was more interested in forgiveness, than he was in stoning people. I’m glad you had someone there who cared for you on that day – because I’m sure you’ll never forget that day when you were helped. Just keep passing it on.
By: Paul on October 24, 2008
at 10:38 pm
Hi there, Rex. I’m not sure if you will remember me. I was one of many AIMers who sat at your feet and wrote all over the book of Mark in my Bible. I also don’t know if you ever knew that after going through this study with you, to teach others how to know and follow Christ and become a Christian, I realized that I had never really understood the depth and meaning of the gospel I grew up learning about. I was adopted into the family of God through baptism the following week.
That was almost 10 years ago. Since then I have served Christ faithfully, then struggled with Satan, then been the prodigal son (daughter) and fallen down in the lap of my Father again, never more grateful to be forgiven. Now I cling to my relationship with God like never before, terrified of the thought of living outside the cleansing blood with no hope.
I found your blog through Trey Morgan’s blog, where I often “lurk”, several months ago. I am writing you today because I am trying to start a women’s prison ministry in my home town. I really want to use the Mark Study. If you wouldn’t mind sending me a copy please email me.
Thank you for allowing God to use you, then and now.
By: anonomous on October 27, 2008
at 12:19 am
I thank Lee also for helping Rex realize people loved and cared for him and not about his mistakes, but about how he was doing and how he was feeling. There were and still are many people that love Rex inspite of the mistakes that he made. After all, we’ve all made mistakes. Some mistakes are public and some are in the dark so that no one knows about them, but we are all sinners.
I have also asked people that I love if they are ok and often I wish they would look me in the eyes and cry and just let me hold them, comfort them and tell me what is in their heart; not answer the typical “I’m ok” or “I’m just tired” remark. When you care for someone and you ask if they are ok it is because you care. I, like Lee often want to cry when the ones I love and care about won’t let me in the door.
There are many times these days I wish someone would lift my face and look me in the eyes with their loving eyes and ask me if I am ok and want to listen and understand my sorrow. The words “‘are you ok” are only comforting words if they are said from the heart and are meant from the heart. They are comforting words when you are allowed to cry and say that you are not ok without the fear of rejection.
These days I cry alone….I feel alone…I am alone. Like some of the other remarks, I know that much of my thoughts are self pity, and much of my pain is because of my own foolishness and selfishness. I have hurt people I love and I have been hurt by people I love. These days I sit and stare the stare that Rex talks about, and lay on my floor curled in the ball that someone else remarked about. My heart breaks, I am unable to eat, sleep, or breath. I don’t want anyone to know my pain but at the same time I wish a Lee would come. I wish Lee would come without being asked, but Lee doesn’t come to my door. Parts of me are glad and parts of me are sad.
I wish Lee would knock on my door, hold me and comfort me the way only someone who cares can. I wish Lee would hold me and make me feel human again…give me hope that things will be okay.
I hope I never completely forget what it feels like to feel so alone and need someone to ask if “I’m ok” so that I can be a Lee to someone who I know is hurting. I hope I can convey that I care and want to listen while they cry and while they talk. I hope I can make someone feel the way Lee made Rex feel on the day he realized someone cared about him and only him.
I am thankful to Lee because her example has helped Rex lift many faces and ask “are you ok”. What a blessing he has been to so many people who are hurting. Thank you Lee.
I also thank God that he cares if we are ok. He cares so much that he sent his son to carry our sins and shame to the cross so that we can be ok through eternity. The Lord is always knocking on our door….all we have to do is open it and let him and he will carry us if that is what is needed to comfort us in our time of sorrow. Thank you God!
By: islandgirl on October 28, 2008
at 12:14 am
Rex….I am glad you let her lift your head…so you could tell this story. I would never wish your situation on you…never…but God is teaching us as much through your pain as He ever did in AIM classes. And grace, beautiful grace….God’s amazing grace –doesn’t it seem to glow with an intensity that it never wore before you walked this valley? love you
By: teawithtennyson on October 30, 2008
at 7:57 am
The thing about “okay” is that even if we are okay today, we might not be tomorrow. When Lee, bless her, lifted your face and asked if you were okay, you weren’t! But you began to move in that direction at that moment by the grace of God and the care of another.
I’m guessing that as your heart healed, you defined “okay” differently, didn’t you? You will never be “okay” again, as you once were, before the darkness, will you? We have to mourn that loss…for it is truly like a death. But now to be “okay” takes on a different meaning…different hues of colors. And it is fine. Being okay after such trials (regardless of the cause) requires faith…a faith stronger than before…a faith that can survive without the feelings or the sense of everything being alright…a faith that can live even in the dark.
I am not wise enough to understand why, how or when God’s child must bleed in order to truly bless…must be cast to the ground in order to lift…must hurt in order to heal…must be broken in order to bind up other wounded people. But I see it in you, my friend…and in this truth about you…that you are a man after God’s own heart, no matter what else goes on.
One question, my brother, “Are you okay?”
By: oakesclan on November 4, 2008
at 4:05 pm
Rex, were it not for you working so faithfully in your first ministry after ACU, I don’t know where I’d be spiritually today. Being a PK, I had a pretty good foundation of biblical knowledge, but not really a personal relationship with God. You taught me how to start that. It’s been a long road and I’ve sat in that chair of shame myself. But God is great and He’s forgiving. He has taught me so much. The more I learn, the more I realize I can’t do anything, but He can do everything!
You’ve been on my mind a lot lately, and know I think I know why. I came home today and googled your name, finding this blog. I’ve never blogged before, so I hope I get this right. Your influence on me is being passed along to my children and now my grandchildren. I love you very much. Kerry Jones
By: jonesker on November 6, 2008
at 5:15 pm
I think God must be using you to ask the same question that was asked of you, to ask us, to ask, when I can hardly speak to tell anyone…. of hurt that brings tears night and day, hurt/inner pain that keeps words/thoughts so tight inside, because it has become inpossible to speak at all anymore. It is so hard, and I know you understand pain that makes you want to stay as far away from, from everyone, fear of hurting even more, fear of hurting someone else, fear of saying, doing anything at all, just closing in, closing down. The longer you stay silent, the harder it is to speak. And there is hardly any reason to. Thank you for asking. Only you would know how much one needs to hear the words. Isn’t it rare that anyone cares enough to ask.
By: anon on November 9, 2008
at 12:05 am
Rex, I remember when you did that for me, when you understood when I felt like no one else would. When I came home 7 years ago, you were that friend to me. I just wanted you to know that, and to say Thank You!
By: Amy on December 1, 2008
at 1:41 pm
(Rex, it did my heart good to hear you teach again, even via podcast! I saw CJ Tharp on Saturday and he told me about “Open” and this site. I love it and I’m sending love and prayers to you! God has been doing some crazy, wonderful working in my life lately and I’m so glad that hearing his word again from your lips is part of that. – Much love, Amy Ralph)
By: Amy on December 1, 2008
at 4:34 pm
You told me, a little over a year ago, that you wanted to look into my eyes, and ask me if I was ok. I didn’t know what that really meant until I read about Lee. You did the second best thing and asked me in an email. And I told you the same answer I have told everyone else. “Yes, I’m ok” and that seems to satisfy most. Lying to others? To myself? Hiding behind self inflicted blame that I did not deserve.
If you were to lift my chin, look into my eyes and ask if I were ok today? I would lose all composure. And I would answer honestly “No, I am not ok” I have escaped from that self inflicted blame, but underneath I am still broken. But no one asks any more. Probably because I have them all convinced I am fine. And that would make the fact that you asked, really asked, and cared what my response was, all that much more important.
By: wounded on January 5, 2009
at 5:32 pm
Rex,
I am sorry that I never asked “are you okay”. I was so sick and unsure of myself that as usual, I was having a pitty party. I just knew that you were “mad” at me! I mean seriously, wasn’t the whole world out to get me? How pathetic was that? My life was such a mess when God joined our paths. It is still a mess, but at least it is physical. I can live or die with that. I thank God that it isn’t a spirtual or emotional mess anymore.
So now, I am jumping in on the “are you ok”? I would like to ask you to forgive me for being so selfish? I am sorry!
I will never forget what you did for me and for my family. I have a life now because of you. Even better, I have eternal life because of what God did for me through you!
I don’t pretend to know “who, what, where, when or why” it all happened. I do know that you are a man that loves God! Thank you for continuing to teach people about Jesus! And, doing your best for Jesus’ sake!
You are and will always be close to my heart and in my thoughts and prayers!
By: Fellow Sinner on March 12, 2009
at 9:02 am
Are any of us really okay? If we all were okay, we would not need the Lees in the world. If we were all okay, we would not need a Savior. I am not okay, I need a Savior everyday and His name is Jesus.
Love to hear from you, thanks for asking if I am okay and for caring.
By: Nancy Yeaman on April 27, 2009
at 10:14 pm