Posted by: Rex Boyles | January 22, 2008

“From a Victim”

(The following post contains selected insights from emails I received from a friend some time ago. Of course, it is being used with her permission and with the understandable changes needed to protect confidentiality. Please note: my friend uses the word “victim” to describe her feelings, so that is why I chose to entitle the blog as I did.) 

ONE EMAIL: “Please pray for me, for us. I read your blog on guilt today. In my journey to be healed from all that has happened, I have focused too much on my hurt and that has emphasized his feelings of guilt. Something new came up this Friday, out of the blue, and shocked me into panic mode, and that emphasized his feelings of guilt. Even though he apologized for it, acknowledged it was wrong to do. And I lost it emotionally last night. And I have apologized since, but I think the damage has been done. I cling to God and ask him to forgive me and to heal me from all of this. You told me before that this is not about me, and I try to remember that. I pray for me to find release. I pray for healing, of my mind and heart, of my marriage.  Continued healing . I know there are going to be bumps in the road of that journey, I expect that, but I was not prepared. I pray for patience and a loving attitude. Thank you …”

ANOTHER EMAIL: “I am ok. You know, I discovered something, and it took me reading your post about guilt that woke me up. Back when all of this first started five months ago, I tried to stay strong, I clung to God, but I did not truly forgive like I should have. Sure, in my mind I told myself I had forgiven him. However, I realized that since that point I had been dwelling on MY pain, and sitting there, searching for any instance of when he would mess up. We have worked hard to strengthen our relationship, but I have still been wallowing in my “victim state”. In fact a few weeks ago he asked me if I could ever be happy again. I didn’t realize how far down I had gotten.  And I still looked for him to mess up. And when I found out that he had … I lost it. All of my poor me feelings came pouring out. I made a huge deal out of it. And he apologized, sincerely, and admitted that he had really messed up … and we talked it through; and yet, three days later I was still crying myself to sleep. And when I wrote yesterday, I did not know what would become of us. I read him wrong though. We talked last night, and he told me that he just didn’t know what else to say. He said all he could, and yet I was still crying myself to sleep.Yesterday, after reading your words, it hit me, that I had never really forgiven him the way that God forgives me. I had gone through the motions, but then I waited on the edge, waiting for him to mess up, so I could justify my self-pity. God doesn’t do that to me! I ask, He forgives and it’s as if it never happened. I was so wrong to take his feelings of guilt and use them for my own justification. I expected him to be perfect, when that is not expected of me. I blew off his apology and continued to be upset. That just emphasized the guilt he felt.  And I was keeping a tally, keeping track, as if it made me a better person than him, because I was not the one that kept messing up. I have since asked for his and HIS forgiveness. I can forgive, the right way. Like HE forgives me.  And I now realize that Satan has been covering my eyes and clouding my mind … but I feel a release now. I can be happy. I feel it now. It amazes me how God continually speaks …”

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